


Lies be told -My picket fence book 2-

by tay_tay19



Series: My picket fence [2]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Doctor - Freeform, Fake Marriage, High School, M/M, Underage - Freeform, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 19:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2633840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tay_tay19/pseuds/tay_tay19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon is torn between the life of lies that he's been living and the new feelings that he's developing for the young Spencer. Spencer struggles with his emotions as he watches Ryan and Brendon's relationship grow stronger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

-2006-

Jon sat in the drivers seat of his dad's truck tapping his fingers nervously on the steering wheel as he waited outside the clinic. He couldnt believe how stupid he had been at that party. He didn't even really like Judy. He knew that sounded awful but he couldn't help how he felt. Judy knew that he didn't have feelings for her. All the time that they've been friends he had never shown any interest in her or any other girls for that matter. She knew when she brought him to the bedroom that he'd done nothing but drink all night.

Now he found himself here. Sitting in his car waiting to find out if she was really pregnant. He didn't know what he was going to do. Would he have to give up on his whole life. What about medical school? He was supposed to leave for college in a few weeks, early admission. Jon banged his head on the steering wheel cursing his stupidity. He wanted to be a doctor, Judy wanted to be a dancer. How could they do that with a child. Judy walked out of the clinic with her head down clutching a folder to her chest. She got in the passenger seat and pulled the door closed. They sat in silence for a while, both of them staring out the windshield watching the people that passed in front of the car.

"Well?" Jon asked quietly. Judy held out the folder. "congratulations its a baby" She said her voice cracking as she said the word. Jon took the folder and flipped through the paperwork trying to sort his thoughts out. He would do the right thing without a doubt. He would marry Judy and they would raise the child together, but she had to know the truth. He shifted the gaze from the papers to her. Tears fell down her face making her mascara run, she had a hand placed on her stomach. No he couldn't tell her. He he caused this. He reached out and held her hand gently. "We'll be okay" He said with a reassuring smile. Judy nodded and leaned over resting her head on his shoulder. He stroked her hand with his thumb and closed his eyes. He couldn't cause her any more sadness by admitting that he was gay. He would keep it to himself, probably for the rest of his life. Maybe one day he would grow to have feelings for judy.

Jon tried his best to accept his fate. They would find a way for both of them to follow their dreams and to raise this baby and give it a good life. As they sat together in that car he allowed a few tears to fall from his eyes as he mourned the love that he would never let himself feel.


	2. Lie one; Jon

"I feel like the my whole world is crashing down around me. I know that sounds drastic... but I'm not sure I can continue living like this" the words spill out just like they always do when I'm here. "She's really going to drive me insane. Doesn't help that she spoils Marie rotten." I take a deep breath. "I'm so lonely" I close my eyes and take a few more moments. The peace and quiet is interrupted by the piercing beep of my pager.

"work calls." I stand up and head back to work. The days always seem to drag on now. I've considered letting the truth out. Giving up on this life, but I can't do that to Marie. Can't do it to Judy either. This is the life that they both deserve. I check the time on my watch as I walk up to the nurses stand. "what do I have?" I ask her before looking through the files that she hands me. "Not much. Mr Ross hasn't woken up yet. Mrs Berrs is still complaining about her foot." She says. "Tell Mrs Berrs that you'll up her medication but don't do anything. I'll talk to her in a minute."

"Doctor Walker." I turn towards the voice. A nurse is walking towards me. "Yes Sarah?" I ask. "Ryan Ross just woke up." I nod at her and head to the room. Brendon will be happy to hear that he's awake. I'll check him quickly and tell Brendon he can see him. I walk into the room. Ryan looks bad, he's extremely pale and bandages cover his body. but he looks better than he did when they brought him in.

I can see the recognition in his eyes as he looks at me. "Ryan, can you talk?" I ask as I approach the bed. His lips move but I can't hear what comes out. He takes a raspy breath and tries once again. This time I can just barely make out that he's saying Brendon's name. "he's here. they haven't left. I need to check you out then they can come see you" I reassure him. I'd keep talking but he's not really listening to me anymore.

I check his vitals and make sure everything is fine then head out to the waiting room. Brendon's head shoots up and he jumps to his feet before I can even say anything. He opens his mouth to speak but is cut off by the other boy that came in with him. "Ryan's okay right?!" he asks quickly. I look towards him and, like I normally do, I find myself checking him out. He's cute, young but cute. His cheeks are still round with a bit of baby fat but he'll be hot in a few years. I should really stop torturing myself.

"He's awake bu-" he rushes to the room without waiting for me to finish my sentence. I return my gaze to Brendon who has a look of relief on his face. "he is okay right?" he asks. I nod my head, "he's not in any danger. Just make sure he relaxes. He needs time to heal properly. So no funny business." I give him a pointed look and resist the urge to chuckle as my little brother-in-laws face turns bright red. "yo...you won't... you know... tell or anything right?" he asks with a worried look. I shake my head, "no I won't tell. Now go to your boyfriend, Brendon." He nods his head quickly then runs to the room.

I won't tell on him. Because I was in his shoes when I was his age. I know he won't make the same mistake as me. He's already taken the chance of being found out by spending every day here. I'm sure it will be hard to explain to his parents.

I make my rounds around my wing. Checking my patients and making sure they don't need anything. As I'm making my way back to my office I hear a sniffle. I peek around the corner and see the boy from before sitting on the floor outside of Ryan's room, crying. Normally I would give him some time to himself to calm down before I talk to him but something draws me over.

"Are you alright?" I ask him. He looks up at me with tears in his eyes. "No, I'm not alright" he says crying more. He looks so sad and so alone. I sit down and look at him. "Tell me" I say quietly. He looks at me for a moment then starts to speak. He tells me about his feelings for Ryan and how useless he feels now that he has Brendon. He cries harder so I wrap my arms around him and pull him against my chest. He holds onto my jacket and cries harder. I rub his back unsure of what I can do to comfort him.

After a while I think he's starting to calm down so I look down at him. His eyes are half closed and his breathing has slowed. I move him back a bit and smile down at him as I stand and pull him to his feet. "come on I have a cot in my office you can lay down on" I tell him. I know I shouldn't do this. He's probably not eighteen. Not to mention I'm married. No I'm not going to do anything. I'm just helping out a patients friend.

I lead him to my office and unlock the door holding it open for him. He walks in and looks around. I walk in and take off my jacket and hang it up on a hook in the wall. "My name is Jon by the way" I tell him. He looks at me and rubs his eyes yawning. "Spencer" he says. I point at the cot behind my desk. "go ahead and rest okay, Spencer" He nods and goes to the cot, sitting down on it. I sit at my desk and begin to go over the paperwork. I can hear him lay down.

Its quiet for a long time so I assume that he's asleep. I sigh and run my hand through my hair then pick up the picture of Marie that sits on my desk. I took this picture the day she was born. She was so small and she was mine. As soon as I held her I knew that I would give up the world for her.

"Is that your baby?" Spencer asks suddenly. His voice startles me and I almost drop the picture. I place it back on the desk and turn to look at him. "Yeah she is... I thought you were sleeping" I say. He sits up on his arms and yawns. "soon. I was just thinking... are you married?" he asks looking me over. "No" I lie, "divorced." Why did I lie? what's the point.

"where's your daughter?" he sits up the rest of the way. "she lives with her mom" I don't know why I keep lying. I'm sure that there's plenty of ways I could be caught. caught? no I haven't done anything wrong... yet. "you should lay down and rest" I tell him, "you haven't had a good nights sleep in days." he watches my lips as I'm talking.

This is wrong. I shouldn't feel anything for this boy. Its not the first time I've interacted with a guy I found attractive... so why do I find myself leaning towards him?

Spencer moves forward on the cot and brushes his lips against mine lightly. He sits back and we watch each other curiously. I'm not sure what happened but suddenly we're both standing. Our bodies pressed together, kissing. This is wrong. But he feels so right.


	3. Lie two; Spencer

It feels good. His lips on mine. it makes me feel good. Like someone cares about me. I know its wrong. He's much older than me and I'm sure there's a lot of other things about this that aren't right. But I needed this right now.

Jon's arms are around my waist holding our bodies flush together. Just as I'm starting to think that I want to keep kissing him for as long as I can his beeper goes off in his pocket. He let's go of me and steps back. We stare at each other for a moment then he looks away to see what disturbed us.

I sit down on the cot and close my eyes. I just made out with an older guy. Some guy I don't even know. "I have to go take care of this... go ahead and rest" Jon says before walking out of the office quickly. I wonder if he feels as confused by this as I am. I lay back and pull the blanket over myself. I can smell him all around me. I wonder how many nights he's laid in this cot. Trying to steal a few minutes sleep. I don't know much about this man. but it seems to me that he's pretty amazing. I touch my lips and smile to my self.

I remain at the hospital for a few more hours. I alternate between sleeping on the cot and watching Jon. He doesn't know I'm awake and I think I prefer it that way. I'm not sure I would know what to say at this point. I've never made out with a random guy before. okay so I've never made out with a guy period. I have no doubt now about my sexuality.

I hear Jon come into the office so I slow my breathing and pretend to be asleep. I listen to his foot steps as he walks behind his desk. I wait for the creak his chair makes when he sits but it doesn't come. Instead I feel his hand on my shoulder and he shakes me gently. I open my eyes and look up at him and am surprised to find that it's Brendon and not Jon.

"Brendon?" I ask pushing my hair from my face. "yeah" he says, "my parents are making me go home now. can you stay with Ryan? The cops just left and he's really nervous." I sit up the rest of the way and stretch. "of course I'll stay with him" I love him. I don't say that part out loud, for obvious reasons. The last thing I want to deal with is a jealous jock. I get up and fix my clothes leaving my hair as it is, it never listens to me anyway. Ryan can get it to look good but whenever I try it just looks fluffy.

I head back to Ryan's room with Brendon trailing behind me. I hate hospitals but I'm not leaving until Ryan leaves with me. My parents have already agreed to take him in. After this we'll live together. I try not to think about the fact that he'll be sleeping in my room. We've shared a bed since we were kids... but back then I had no idea that I would fall for him. At least I'll still be able to cuddle with him.

Brendon and I walk into the room and I see that Jon is sitting next to Ryan explaining his injuries and the medicine they've been giving him. Brendon climbs into the bed and puts his arm around Ryan, who leans against him and holds his shirt. Jon glances towards me but I don't return his gaze. I don't want to see the pity I know is there.

I look out the window waiting as Brendon says his good byes. Ryan begs him to stay but Brendon can't. He leaves the room with Jon and I go over sitting on a chair next to the bed. Ryan reaches over so I take his hand in mine. "you really scared me." I say. He looks down and squeezes my hand. "I'm sorry Spency" I squeeze his hand back. "Don't apologize" it wasn't your fault."

He smiles a bit then pulls on my hand. "I wanna cuddle" he says sticking out his bottom lip with a pout. I laugh. "won't your boyfriend get jealous?" I ask as a I move to the bed. "why would he be jealous?" he asks as he lays his head on my chest and puts his arm around me. "you're my brother" he says. I try to keep my face from showing how much it hurts to hear him say that. "yeah. we'll always be brothers" I respond. He nods and cuddles closer to me closing his eyes. "you won't leave me right Spency?" I run my fingers through his hair. "no I won't ever leave you Ryan" He smiles and holds onto me as he drifts to sleep.

I close my eyes and allow a few tears to fall. I can never tell him how I feel. I can never risk losing him. So I'll lie to him, and I'll lie to myself. I can be happy as long as I have him as a friend.


	4. Lie three; Jon

It's one o'clock in the morning and its almost time for me to finally head home for the night. Not that I'm that excited at the actual thought of being home. I'll pick up some taco bell or something on my way home and eat it in the car then go to the guest room to sleep. Judy and I stopped sharing a bed a long time ago. We tell Marie that daddy snores so mommy can't sleep with him. She doesn't care really, as long as she gets all the toys she wants. I've tried to stop Judy from giving in to her temper tantrums. But she always says to me 'when you're home for more than a couple hours then you can tell me how to raise my daughter' 

 

Her daughter. Like I have no part in this crazy charade we call a family. I've done my best. I spent weekends at home and never worked nights. I asked about school and about the country club I'm spending ridiculous amounts of money to never go to. But to her it wasn't enough. The fights got worse and worse until finally I stopped trying. She knows that our relationship is a sham. That I'm only with her for Marie. I work a lot now. 

I walk down the halls checking on each of my patients once more before I leave. Most of them are sound asleep. Thats a good thing. Brendon hasn't returned yet, I'm sure his parents are mad at him for spending so much time here with his friend. Because to them thats all two guys can be, Friends. His parents are strict. I'm not allowed to speak of it, but I know that their eldest son, Jackson, was gay. We were friends, never anything more than that of course. He was in love. Always in love. Seeing him and Dallon together always made my heart ache. The way their eyes lit up and they couldn't keep the smiles off their faces when they say each other. Always laughing at some joke the rest of the world would never know. I was envious. I wanted that. 

I look into Ryan's room to see how he's feeling. Spencer is laying in the bed with him, holding Ryan close with one arm as he cards his fingers through his hair. I can see the pain in Spencer's eyes. He's given up hope. "Spencer' I say quietly. He jumps a bit, clearly not expecting anyone to come in this late at night. He looks over and even in the dim light of the room I can see the way his blue eyes sparkle.

My gaze moves down to his lips. I still can't believe I kissed him. He's just a kid. "oh... Hi Dr Walker" he whispers. "Hi" I say back. We watch each other as an awkward silence fills the room. We both decide to break it and start to speak at the same time. "you go first" He instructs me a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "I'm heading home for the night" I tell him. His mouth turns down. "Ah. Good night doctor Walker" He says. I run my fingers through my hair, not caring how messy it looks.

"I wanted to know if you'd like a ride" The words slip out of my mouth before I even have time to properly think about them. He looks down at Ryan then back at me. "I promised I wouldn't leave him alone" He says. "with the medication he's on he'll sleep the night through. When he wakes up Brendon will be with him again." I'm not ready to say goodnight to this kid. He bites his lip as he thinks about it. I wonder if he realises he's making me want to kiss him again. After a moment he slips out of the bed carefully and tucks Ryan in then kisses his forehead. He whispers something I don't here then makes his way over to me. 

We leave the room, Spencer closing the door behind us, and head for the parking lot. We don't speak and both of us keep our hands in our pockets as though afraid of what they might do if we let them out. We make it to my car before either of us talks again. "He'll come to live with me when he gets out wont he?" He asks turning his gaze on me. I lean against my car and look at him thoughtfully. I've already spoken to the officer in charge of Ryan's case. They haven't found his father yet. They probably wont place Ryan where he can be found. I decide to tell him what he wants to hear, instead of the truth. "I'm sure they will. Ryan will request it and its the most logical choice" I say with a shrug.

"I'm probably torturing myself" He admits before climbing into the passenger seat of my car. You and me both, I think as I get in as well. We start to drive, him telling me when to turn. "So where do you live?" He asks as we reach a long stretch of road. "I'm just staying at a hotel for now. Haven't had time to find an apartment" I lie, I live at home with my wife. I decide he doesn't need to know that. My marriage is in ruins anyway. He reaches over and places his hand over mine on the steering wheel. "I'm sure you'll find a great place" He says with a bright smile. Its infectious and i can't help but smile back and take his hand in mine. We continue the drive in silence though its far from awkward this time. Our arms rest between the seats our fingers intertwined. 

All to soon we arrive at his house. I park the car on the side of the street and turn it off before looking at him. "good night Spencer" I say. I don't mean to but I lean towards him a bit. "Good night Jon" He closes the distance between us and his lips brush against mine gently. We both move back at the same time. He bites his lip and looks away, even in the moonlight i can see that his face is flushed. I pull him back to me and kiss him. He responds moving his hand to the back of my neck, his fingers playing with the short hairs on the back of my neck. This time when we pull apart he moves away and opens the glove compartment in front of him. I watch him curiously as he digs through the things in it eventually pulling out a paper and pen he managed to find. He quickly writes something on the paper before dropping it on my lap and getting out of the car heading inside.

I look down at the paper and smile before taking out my phone and entering the seven numbers into it. -Good night Spencer- I text him with a smile on my face. I know this is wrong but something about him makes it seem okay. I'm probably going to hell I think to myself as I start the car and drive home. Deciding to skip dinner.


	5. Lie four; Spencer

The court room is cold. Ryan's probably freezing. I think about reaching across the short wall to touch his shoulder but Brendon is already holding his hand. He's replace me, Brendon is the one he relies on now. I try to ignore the lump I feel in my throat as the judge speaks. My mom is sitting next to me. She pats my arm gently. "Don't worry Spencer" She whispers "everything will be okay" Its a hollow promise that I know she can't keep. She can't force the judge to change his mind. I'm losing Ryan.

I try not to let my feelings show on my face as Ryan turns in his chair to hug Brendon, try not to feel jealous of the way he is allowed to card his fingers through Ryan's short hair. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I slip it out in need of a distraction.

-stay strong-

I smile a bit despite everything. Jon remembered what today was. Its not often that he texts me first but he must have known I needed it today. I look away from the phone in time to see Brendon whispering in Ryan's ear and remember. Jon is related to Brendon. I'm sure that's the only reason he remembered. My lips turn down. The idea of being around Brendon makes my blood boil but I'll never say anything. He makes Ryan happy and that should make me happy. Even if I'm starting to hate his guts. I know its not fair. He's a nice guy and he dotes on Ryan. I should be happy for them. But I can't.

The courtroom begins to clear out except for us. Brendon has moved to the other side of the wall and has his hands on Ryan's shoulders. I can tell he's trying to prevent a panic attack. I walk over to him. They're sending him a few hours away. I'm not going to miss this chance to say goodbye. He moves away from Brendon when I reach them. He comes to me and hugs me tight, pressing his face into my shirt. "I don't want to go away from you" He says. I get a warm feeling. It's a small victory.

I return the hug and press him close to me. "Everything will work out" I say, feeding him the same lie my mom gave me. "Promise?" he asks squeezing tighter. "Would I lie to you?" I ask. I don't admit that I lie to him everyday. He looks at me a small smile on his face. God I want to kiss him. "No you wouldn't" he kisses my cheek, his eyes full of trust. I let him go and turn away to go speak to my mom, trying to hide the blush on my cheeks. I don't have to look to know he's clinging onto Brendon again. I'm really starting to hate that guy.

***

The days pass by slowly now that Ryan has left. Without my only friend I don't have much to look forward to. He's called me twice and tells me how much he misses me. He can't talk long. There's always something going on in the background.

It's Friday night now, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Normally I spent my weekends with Ryan. We'd lay on the couch watching movies and eating junk food. When he'd get tired he would put a blanket over us both and lay his head on my shoulder, sometimes he would even hold my hand. I was happy like that. I never asked for more. I wish I had been able to see that he was suffering all that time. I should have saved him sooner. If I had... Maybe he would have loved me back.

My parents always leave for the weekend, I grab one of my fathers beers from the fridge and lay on the couch then turn the TV on playing some dumb show I don't care about. I open the beer and take a large gulp. It tastes bitter but I don't care. I'm sure enough of it will make this sadness go away. At least for a little while.


	6. Lie five; Jon

I'm not asleep but I'm not awake either. Wherever I'm laying isn't very comfy but my body is to heavy to move. I can't remember how I got here, my heads all fuzzy like a tv without service but vaguely I remember something about Brendon and iced tea.

Brendon, he's a lucky guy. His boyfriend loves him. They've probably made love. No, I shouldn't think about those things. I'll do something I shouldn't do. Its been so long since someone has loved me. There an emptiness in my chest whenever I think about it.

I feel hands on me. First on my face then on my arms. The whole world starts to shake. It really shouldn't do that when I don't feel good like this. I open my eyes and see an angel with blue eyes thats kneeling down next to me. I bet he has soft hair. I decide to test this and reach out running my fingers through his silky soft hair. He leans into my touch. "We can't both be drunks" He says softly. I'm glad he's quiet. My head hurts to much for loudness. 

He takes both my hands and pulls me to my feet. The room spins but I manage to stay on my feet, but the angel trips on the rug and starts to fall back. I don't want the angel to fall so i pull him back to me and wrap my arms around him pressing him to me. He smells good, like fresh popcorn. I wonder if they have popcorn in heaven. Not that it matters. I wont be going there.

The angel puts an arm around my waist and starts to lead me out of the room we're in. I wonder where we're going. "I'm taking you to bed" He says. I don't think I said anything outloud. Maybe the angel can read my mind. We reach a flight of stairs and he starts to help me up them. I hold onto him with one arm and the railing with the other. I don't know how he can walk when everything is rocking back and forth like it is. I close my eyes and lean my weight against him.

I wake up a while later. I don't know how long its been. My head hurts even more now. I roll onto my side and find myself face to face with spencer. Shit I've gotten myself into trouble. He's still sleeping peacefully beside me so I take the chance to check under the blanket. Thankfully the only thing missing is my shirt. He's still fully clothed. Maybe i haven't gotten into much trouble yet.

He shifts a bit and opens his eyes. As soon as his bright blue eyes meet my own I know that I haven't escaped trouble yet. He reaches out and gently brushes my bangs from my face. I close my eyes and sigh as he begins to run his fingers down my cheek. I should stop this but it feels so nice. Its the alcohol, I lie to myself. It's clouding my judgement. He moves his hand from my face to my neck then to my chest, resting it over my heart. I wonder if he can feel how fast he's making it beat. Damn, I think to myself, I'm going to hell.

I put my hand on the small of his back and pull him to me. I kisses his forehead then his cheek. He turns his head and his lips find mine. It's nothing like our first kiss, hurried and full of desperation. No this is slow and gentle. I feel I could keep kissing him like this forever. I let him take the lead, let his hands explore my body and his tongue my mouth. I should stop him, but I'm still drunk and after such a long time of not being touched it feels so good. It feels like there's an electrical current running through my body from every place our skin touches.

I want to just forget everything. I want to kiss him and touch him. I don't want to go back to my empty house and my loveless marriage but I can't forget. The voice in the back of my mind keeps growing louder and louder. 'You're married' It reminds me. 'Is he even legal?' It asks. I break the kiss and look at Spencer. He looks back at me with a hungry look in his eyes. We both want this. But I can't let it happen.

We both just want to feel loved, but not by each other. I place my hand on the back of his neck and move his head to my chest before running my fingers through his hair. "Jon" he says, his voice is filled with want and its almost enough to make me give in. But i've sobered up now. I have to tell him no. Be responsible and tell him to leave. "Not tonight" I whisper instead. He presses a kiss to my chest and looks up at me through his lashes. I hook my finger under his chin and bring his lips to mine, kissing him softly. "Sleep here" I say against his lips. "I can do that" He says before putting his arm around my waist and resting his head in the crook of my neck. I can feel his breath against my neck. Somehow its comforting. "I don't want to be alone tonight" I say. "Me neither" he answers.


	7. Lie six; Spencer

I don’t know what Jon and I are classified as. We’ve continued calling and texting each other since the night we spent together. As I get to know more about him I’m starting to like him more and more. He can’t replace Ryan, I don’t think anyone ever will, but being around him helps to fill some of the emptiness of Ry being gone. Today however I’m finally able to see Ryan. Brendon’s coming too but I know Ryan wont ignore me, he’s never been like that so I guess its alright.

We arrive at the house after the most awkward car ride of my life. Seriously I don’t think either of us said more than five words the entire time, except when he was singing along with the radio. He’s got a pretty good voice, but I’ll never tell him that. The house is huge. It’s no wonder he hasn’t complained about having to live here. As soon as I got out of the car Ryan ran out of the house and threw his arms around my neck hugging me tightly. I returned the hug and spun him around, making him laugh. “Spency!” He yells pressing a kiss to my cheek. I don’t even care that he just screamed in my ear. “I missed you Ryan” I tell him as I set him back on the ground. “I missed you too” He kisses my cheek again. “Oh! Come meet the guys” and just like that he’s taking my hand and pulling me into the mansion.

It’s even bigger on the inside, with furniture and decorations that could probably pay for us both to go to college. I want to look around a bit but I barely have time to take it all in before he’s pulling me down a hallway. There’s music coming from behind a set of ornate double doors. Ryan opens then and reveals a large room filled with all different types of instruments. There are two boys already in the room. Ryan has told me enough about them to know which is Patrick and which is Pete. They’re both sitting at the piano now. Patrick is playing a song and singing along quietly. Pete has an arm around his waist and is resting his head on his shoulder a content look on his face. Despite the fact that we haven’t been quiet they haven’t noticed us. It’s like they’re lost in their own little world. Without saying anything the three of us backed up and Ryan closed the door quietly.

“I’ll show you our room first” Ryan says. I don’t say anything. He lets go of my hand and takes hold of brendon’s. I follow the two of them up a flight of stairs and ignore the way they whisper to each other into the bedroom. I was surprised when he told me the three of them shared a room. It seems weird that with such a big house they couldn't spare any extra rooms. Brendon sits on the futon in front of the tv and Ryan sits on his lap. I try not to think about it as i make myself comfortable on a bean bag chair. I watch Ry as he talks animatedly about the house and Pete and Patrick. He tells us about the church group his foster parents make them go to and how him and Pete play games when no one is looking. He tells us how much he misses us and i ignore the blush on his cheeks as Brendon kisses his neck. I can ignore it. I can be friends with them. I can.

After a while Patrick comes into the room. His cheeks are flushes and he has a wide smile on his face. Ryan teases him and his face turns even more red. As the night wore on I began to feel more and more like a fifth wheel. Whenever Patrick and Pete thought we weren't looking they would touch or kiss. Ryan paid just as much attention to me as he did to Brendon but that didn't stop my heart from aching every time i saw them showing affection. What ever the relationship between Jon and I was it wasn't enough to fix the part of me that had broken the day Ryan told me that he thought of me as a brother. If i told him how I really felt i might lose him completely.

***

I sat in the hospital bed. My arm bandaged and hung in a sling. I don't know how bad it really was. All that mattered to me was Ryan. Ryan was hurt and it was my fault. All my fault. I felt the tears slip down my face but made no move to stop them. Suddenly the curtains around my bed were thrown open and Jon stood there looking like he had just rolled out of bed. "Spencer" He said my name before stepping forward and closing the curtain behind him. He wrapped his arms around me and ran his fingers through my hair. I wrapped my good arm around him and cried into his shirt. "shh It's okay. It's okay Spencer" He whispers in my ear. "Its not okay. He's hurt... He wouldn't wake up... I tried to protect him and now he wont wake up." I sobbed. I move away from him and tried to wipe my tears away. Ryan is hurt. I should be waiting with everyone else. I don't deserve to be here being comforted.

Jon places his hands on either side of my face and forces me to look at him. "Spencer this is not your fault" He says sternly. I open my mouth to protest but he silences me with a quick kiss. "It's not your fault" He whispers stroking my cheek. "You did your best to save him. He's going to be just fine. Don't blame yourself for something you had no control of" He presses his lips against my forehead and I close my eyes. I'm glad he's here.

"Jon" I say softly. He brushes my hair from my face then lifts my chin. "He is going to be just fine, I promise. I'm here for you" He says. His words help me calm down. I need to stay calm and be here for Ryan when he wakes up. His dad found him. He wont be able to stay at that house anymore. I stand up and close my eyes for a moment. I feel Jon's hand on my back. He's probably worried I'll fall. I'll be okay though. I'll be strong for Ryan and support him. Even if he doesn't want me. I open my eyes and look at jon with a small smile on my face. I can do this. After all, I'm not alone.


	8. Lie seven; Jon

"Daddy!" I'm jolted from my sleep by the sound of marie yelling. The early morning sun is coming into the room from a crack in the curtain. To bright for me to fall back asleep. "Daddy! Daddy!" She's outside my door now. I roll out of the bed and check the time, six thirty. I went to bed an hour ago. Groaning I walk over and open the door. Marie wraps her arms around my waist and looks up at me with a big grin on her face. I smile and lift her into my arms. "Good morning baby girl" I say kissing her forehead. "Morning Daddy. Look look" She opens her mouth wide and uses her tongue to wiggle her front tooth. "Wow thats so cool. When it falls out you should put it under your pillow so the tooth fairy can take it and leave you money." I tell her heading down to the kitchen.

"I already know that daddy" She says with an attitude she definitely got from her mother. "I want you to pull it out" She explains as i sit her in her chair. "What if its not ready to come out?"

"it needs to come out before I go back to school. Becca got twenty dollars when she lost hers" She tells me. "oh is that so?" Becca's parents are idiots. "Yes so i'm gonna leave her a letter and ask her for forty" 

"well you have to word it nicely or she wont be happy" I take out the ingredients and start to cook pancakes for her. Marie rolls her eyes and gets some paper and pencil then starts to write. I wonder if i have a two dollar bill laying around. She could still brag about something rare right? Sunday is always a little different. Judy goes to church then out to dinner with her family. Marie and I have the day to ourselves. It can be nice. I love Marie with all my heart. She can be a ray of sunshine unless she wants something. She hates that I don't spoil her like her mom does.

I finish making breakfast and sit at the table putting a plate in front of her. She pushes aside her letter and starts to eat, singing a song from one of her shows between bites. Its going to be a nice peaceful day. Sometimes I wonder why Judy and I have stayed together so long. Every day could be like this if we got divorced. I could spend less time at work and more time with Marie and not have to deal with Judy's constant negativity.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I smile a bit already knowing that its a good morning text from spencer. God I really am going to hell. I have to keep reminding myself that he's to young. Even if i wasn't married we couldn't be together for at least a year. Oh shit now I'm actually considering it. I take a deep breath and take my phone out to read his text.

-Morning. Carnivals in town- 

The carnival? Is he trying to ask me out? -Can't I have my daughter- I respond. I wouldn't mind spending the day with him though. My phone buzzes and I read his text. -Bring her too?- I glance at Marie, She's got syrup all over her face, I bet she would love the carnival. -She can't know. She wouldn't understand- I wonder if i'd be ablt to keep my hands off him for the whole day. Every time I'm with him its like their is some magnetic force pulling me towards him. -My lips are sealed. Preferably with a kiss ;)- I chuckle to myself. He's so cute. "Marie do you want to go to the carnival today?" I ask. "Yes! Yes! Yes! pppppppllllleeeeaaaaassssseeee daddy?" I laugh and ruffle her hair. "We can go baby girl. My friend is going to come too, so go get cleaned up" I tell her. She umps out of her chair and races up the stairs. -Carnival it is- I text him. He responds with a smiley face. I smile and start to clean up the kitchen.

About an hour later both Marie and I are showered and dressed and in the car on the way to pick up spencer. I really hope nothing goes wrong. He could find out I lied to him about being divorced.. I'm praying that Marie is too distracted to say much or to notice how much i end up staring at spencer no matter how hard I try to resist. There are so many reasons I should stay away from him. I know that someone is going to be hurt in the end. I don't want to see him hurt.

I pull into his driveway and before I can even get out he comes running out the front door and gets in the passenger seat, a big smile on his face. "Hi" He says. I smile back at him. "Hi" Marie leans forward in her booster seat. "Hello!" she says cheerfully. Spencer turns in his seat and looks back at her. "well hello to you too cutie" He holds out his hand, "I'm spencer" Marie smiles and shakes his hand. "I'm Marie Ann Walker" She says proudly. "It's very nice to meet you Marie." She nods and goes back to playing her game. Spencer sits forward and looks at me.

"How is you arm?" I ask reaching out to gently touch his arm below the bandage. "It's healing" he says "it doesn't hurt as much as it did" He touches my hand and smiles then points straight ahead. "To the carnival" he sings. "To the carnival!" marie repeats. I smile and begin driving. Spencer talks to Marie, getting her to put her game away. Somehow they end up singing along with the radio at the top of their lungs.

***

Marie runs into the petting zoo and starts to feed the treatswebought to the different animals while spencer and I sit on a bench nearby. He sits close to me, his arm brushing mine everytime one of us moves. "I had fun today" He says suddenly, I look down at him and smile. "I did too" I glance towards marie and make sure she's not looking then lean down and kiss him softly. He kisses me back entwining our fingers. I can't help butwonderhowsomething so wrong can feel so right.

Spencer breaks the kiss and looks back towards the animals. "I like this" He says quietly. "Whatever we are... I like it" He gives my hand a squeeze his cheeks tinted pink. "I like it too" I admit "But we have to be careful." He looks worried so i lift his hand and kiss it. 

"Does it bother you... That i'm young?" He asks. I shake my head. "It doesn't. You're seventeen. Its not that bad really. You'll be eighteen before you know it" i say. He pouts and plays with my hand. "Not soon enough" He mumbles. I laugh and ruffle his hair. "Don't be so eager to grow up. Trust me its not fun"

"If i was grown up i could be with you. Right?" I want to be honest with him. Being with him has been one of the best things in my life, but I can't. I'm to weak. "yeah" I tell him. I'm not ready to lose this. 

"Daddy! Daddy!" Marie yells as she runs towards us. I let go of spencer's hand and put her on my lap. "What's up baby girl?" I ask tucking her hair behind her ear. "The goat licked me" She says making a grossed out face. Spencer and I laugh causing her to pout. "I don't wanna walk anymore" She decalres. "alright alright i'll carry you" i stand up holdig her and spencer follows suit. "Noooo I want spencer to carry me" She reaches for him. Spencer glances at me then smiles and takes her. "Lets beat your daddy to the car" He says before taking off towards the car. Marie holds onto him and laughs. "Hey!" I yell before running after him. 

I can't help but smile as i chase them. For the first time in a long time I'm finally happy. I need to talk to judy tonight.


	9. Truth one; Spencer

I lay on the couch in my families living room watching the rain coming down outside. I wonder what its like to have a white christmas, not that its christmas yet. There's still seven more days. My mom has a count down clock hanging hanging on our tree. Seven days, twelve hours, twenty three minutes. There's a loud thump from upstairs and I chuckle to myself as Ryan curses. "You'll wake the dead!" I yell towards the stairs. My parents would kill us if they weren't out christmas shopping. Ryan comes down the stairs wearing just an old pair of pajama pants. He flips me off then walks over and sits on my legs. His bangs fall in in his face and he pushes them back yawning. He looks so much better now. His bruises are gone and he's gained a bit of weight. I make sure that my eyes dont linger to long on his chest.

"Sleep well?" I ask. He smiles and nods. "Yeah I slept really well" He says cheerfully. I'm glad one of us is. He's been living with my family for a week now. Its hard for me to sleep when his bed is so close to mine. I can't get rid of my feelings for him and he'll never return them. I'm afraid to tell him because I don't want him to leave.

I sit up and pull my legs out from under him then hand him the tv remote. "breakfast?" I ask. He shakes his head and smiles. "No thanks spency. Brendon's taking me out for brunch." I'm glad he's happy, but I wish his eyes would light up like that when he thought about me. "Oh thats cool" I say laying back again. He turns the tv to old christmas specials then lays next to me making himself comfortable. I close my eyes and try not to think about it. Try not to touch him. I wish I could hold him. Run my fingers through his hair and feel his lips against mine. I get up quickly, climbing over him. He looks at me curiously. "Bathroom" I say before hurrying out of the room. I sit on the stairs out of sight and take a deep breath. I refuse to let this get in the way of our friendship. I wont.

"Hey Ryan, if Brendon's going to be here soon shouldn't you get ready?" I ask as I stand up and head back into the living room. Ryan chuckles. "i don't want to seem to eager. gotta make him wait for the goods" I drop on the couch and groan. "god you're so cheesy" I say nudging him with my foot. He laughs and tickles my feet. I start laughing and try to get away from him. Ryan pulls me closer and tickles me more. We both fall off the couch and wrestle. I manage to grab his hands and pin him down sitting on his stomach. Ryan looks up at me and smiles. "alright alright you win" he says chuckling. I look down at him. I love him so much...

"Hey... Spencer what's wrong?" He asks. He gets one of his hands free and touches my cheek. I close my eyes and sigh. "sorry Ryan." I say before moving off of him. Ry sits up and hugs me. "Sorry for what Spency?" He asks. For loving you. I can never tell him that though. I wrap my arms around him and hold him close. "i've been keeping a secret" I say quietly. Ryan hugs me tighter. "What is it Spencer? You can tell me anything" I wish that was true. 

I kiss his forehead and move back. "I um... i've kind of been seeing someone." I say quietly. Ryan tilts his head curiously. "you have? who? since when? Do I know her?" He shoots off these questions quickly. "Yes. Um... its... well we haven't really... its not official yet." I tell him. "He... He's older" I admit. Ryan's mouth drops open. "He?! You're dating a guy!?" He asks. "Shhhhh stop yelling" I say flicking his nose. "I'm sorry its just... you're dating a guy. why didn't you say anything to me spence? I know how confusing it can be." I look away. "I wasn't confused..." We haven't talked about the day we kissed. "you never told me..." He says quietly. He sounds hurt. I didn't mean to hurt him... 

"I'm sorry Ry... I didn't want to keep it from you. Its just... With everything going on I didn't want to trouble you." I mumble. Ryan puts his hands on my cheeks and makes me look at him. "you could never trouble me Spencer. we're friends forever" I look at him my eyes drifting to his lips. It would be so easy... just lean forward and connect our lips. It would be simple...

I've moved forward just a bit when the doorbell rings. "ah that will be Brendon" Ryan hops up and points at me. "We are not done chatting" He says before going to the door and opening it. I watch him. Brendon steps inside and puts his arms around Ryan's waist kissing him. I know I'm torturing myself... but I can't look away. Ry holds him close and kisses him back. I hate how perfect they are for each other. "you were supposed to be ready when I got here mister" Brendon says kissing Ryan's nose. "I was sleepy" Ryan pouts and plays with Brendon's shirt. He whispers something else I can't hear then looks at me. "we'll be upstairs Spency. Don't go anywhere." He says cheerfully before pulling Brendon up the stairs. Great... I turn the tv volume up and try to ignore whats probably going up on there. 

I need to get out... I need some air. I get up and go to the front door putting on my shoes and a jacket then walk out into the rain. I'm not sure where I'm heading but I can't stay in that house. I send Jon a quick text then walk to the park near my house. I sit on a swing and look around. Ryan and I used to play here. Its where we met. I fell off this swing and he came over to help me up. We've been together ever since that day. A team. Why... Why do I have to let these emotions get in the way of that. I can't lose my best friend.

The rain stops suddenly. I look up and see Jon Standing behind me with an umbrella. "You're going to catch your death out here" He says, tilting my head back and kissing my forehead. I close my eyes enjoying the warmth it sends through me. I like him. I'm really do. I turn around a bit more and pull his lips to mine. He kisses me back wraping his arm around me. I want to have feelings only for him. 

Jon moves back and brushes my wet bangs from my face. "Let's get you dry." He says before pulling me to my feet. I stay close to him and let him lead me to his car. He opens the door for me and waits for me to get in then closes it and goes around to the other side before getting in. I hug myself shivering. Jon turns the heat on then gets a blanket from the back seat. "Take your jacket off" He instructs. I peel it off and he wraps the blanket around me rubbing my arms to get me warm. I close my eyes. He came for me. I'm pretty sure he left work to check on me. I want to believe in him. I want to think that he cares for me. But why... why can't I get rid of this feeling that he's keeping something from me.

"Jon" I say his name quietly. He stops and looks me in the eyes. "Yes?" He asks. Moving a hand to my cheek. "Can I stay with you tonight?" He pauses for a moment, looking away. "I'd love to say yes but I have to work through the night." He says stroking my cheek gently. He sounds sincere... but why did he look away. I move back and look out the window. "Okay" I say. Jon sighs and sits back his eyes on me. "Why did you come out here" He asks, runnning his hand through his hair. "Brendon and Ryan..." I say quietly, "I can't... I can't be around ryan without having these feelings for him." Jon is quiet. I glance at him from the corner of my eye. I can see the gears in his head turning. "You need to tell him." He says quietly. I look at him like he's crazy. "Are you crazy?! He wouldn hate me. He'd go away and I wouldn't see him anymore" I tell him. Ryan can never know.

"He won't" Jon Takes my hand and kisses it. "He'll still love you" He says calmly. "Not the way I love him..." I look down at my hands. "You have me" He whispers. I look at him and frown. He is trying to keep his face the same but I can see there is sadness in his eyes. I want to believe in him. I lean over and kiss him. "I have you" I repeat. Jon smiles and strokes my cheek again. "Tell him" I sigh and put my head on his shoulder. "Okay... I'll tell him tonight" Jon puts his arm around me and kisses my head. I wonder if it was hard for him to tell me to talk to Ryan. I wonder if he cares about me like I do him.

***

Ryan and I are both laying in my bed cuddled close together as we watch the horror movie that plays on my tv. I'm not really sure which one of us suggested it. Ryan grips my arm tightly and squeezes his eyes shut. "turn it off turn it off" He says quickly. I chuckle and pause the movie. "Never again" we say at the same time before bursting out laughing. "Why do you even have that movie?" He asks pinching my arm. "I don't know I got it for my birthday or something." I shrug. Ryan sighs and sits up. "Lets get food" He pushes me towards the edge of the bed. 

"Alright alright but if my parents wake up I'm so blaming you" I tell him. We get up and head down to the kitchen walking as quietly as we can. Ryan holds onto the back of my shirt, Obviously still shaken by the movie. He lets go when we reach the kitchen and makes me go in first. Traitor. I open the fridge and look inside for something we can heat up. 

"We've still got some spaghetti" I say turning around. I have to take a deep breath. Ryan is standing in the doorway with his head tilted to the side. Perfectly innocent. Except hanging above him is some mistle toe. I need to tell him. I promised Jon I would. Ryan shifts from one foot to the other. "Whats wrong?" He asks looking around. "um... up there" I say pointing at the mistle toe. Ryan looks up at it and laughs. "That wasn't there when we went to watch the movie." He says. "no... my parents must have hung it up" Ryan scratches the back of his head and smiles at me. "Well come on" He taps his cheek. "Where's my kiss" He's smiling. But he has no idea.

"Ryan... we need to talk" I say quietly. Ryan walks over to me. "Huh? whats wrong? Is it about that guy? Do you need me to beat him up?" He says punching the air. I chuckle a bit and shake my head. The idea of him trying to hurt anyone is funny. "No he's good to me. Probably to good. I um... I've been keeping a secret from you" its hard to admit it. When we were younger we always swore not to keep secrets. Of course he's already broken that... "A secret?" Ryan frowns. I hate making him frown.

"I... I love you" I say. Ryan smiles but its not totally there. "I love you too Spency" he says, "you can tell me the secret. you know you can tell me anything" He says. I wish I could continue hiding this from him. "That was it. I love you" I take a deep breath, "I'm in love with you." Ryan stares at me. "I... I have been for a while..." 

"You mean you..."

"Yeah... I do" 

"Oh..." 

"Don't... Don't start acting weird around me okay. I'm not expecting anything. I know you love Brendon I'm not trying to get between you guys. I just... I wanted... I had to say something." Thats it... I've ruined it. I've ruined our friendship. He's going to hate me. I close my eyes and wait for it. I'm surprised when Ryan wraps his arm around me and lays his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry Spencer... I'm sorry I never knew" He's apologizing... I hug him back tightly. "Its not your fault... I didn't want you to know... I wanted to continue like nothing was wrong... but it was driving me crazy... and Jon said I should tell you" I say quietly. "Jon? Is that the guy you're dating?" He asks. I nod my head and look away. "You told him you like me?" I nod again. "I told him before... before I knew what me and him would be. Something about him makes me feel like I can tell him anything and he'll know what I should do." 

Ryan lets me go and moves back. "I'm glad.... I'm sorry Spencer... You were hurting... and I never knew... Can you forgive me?" He looks up at me with his big hazel eyes. I put my hand on his cheek and kiss him quickly. "I forgive you" I say. He smiles softly and puts his hand on mine. "I can still stay here right?" He asks. "Of course." I say poking his nose. I feel lighter now. He knows how I feel and he doesn't hate me. He's still my friend.


	10. Truth two; Jon

Paper work has to be my least favorite part of my job. As much as I try to avoid it I always end up with at least an hours worth of it. That's why I am excited when there's a knock on my office door. "Come in" I call out, eagerly moving my files aside. The door opens a crack and spencer pokes his head in with a big smile on his face. "Are you busy?" He asks. I smile at him, he really is adorable. "I've always got time for you" he is a very welcome distraction. He walks into the room and closes the door behind him looking around shyly. I stand up and walk to him quickly pulling him into my arms and kissing his forehead.

"Merry christmas" I say. His smile grows and his cheeks flush pink. "It's not christmas yet" He pouts. "two days is close enough for me." I brush my lips against his cheek causing him to blush even more. He puts his hands on my chest messing with a button on my shirt. "Well then do I at least get a present?" He asks. "Hmm" I pretend to think. He slides his hands up and fixes the collar of my shirt. "You do indeed" I admit, taking a seat on my desk. He puts his forehead against mine and kisses me. I wonder if we'll be able to continue this, I wonder if he'll hate me when he knows. I pull his body flush to mine, slipping my tounge between his lips. When he's close to me it's like the rest of the world doesn't exist. It's just me and him and its perfect. So perfect.

Spencer breaks the kiss and lays his head on my shoulder, his bangs falling into his face. I wonder if he knows how handsome he is. His breath is warm on my neck and his hands have found their way under my shirt rubbing my back. I close my eyes and relax sliding my hands down to his waist and keeping him close. I know that he'll be upset... But I can't let him go just yet.

"Hey Jon?" His lips brush against my neck as he speaks. "Yeah?" God how badly I want him. I wish i could push everything off my desk and... No I better not think that way when he's standing between my legs. "I'll get to see you on christmas right?" He presses closer to me sliding his hands into my back pockets. He's really going to drive me insane. "I'll try" I tell him trying to keep my voice steady. The Urie's have a big christmas party every year. Maybe I'll be able to sneak away to see him. I'd like that.

***

We stay like that for a while longer til I realize I still need to finish my paperwork. He wants to stay near me longer so we move to my chair. He sits on my lap curled into me and I work. If it was always like this then i'd probably enjoy paperwork more. He lets out a sigh, his breath warm on my neck. I can't help but smile as I press a kiss to his forehead. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and presses his face to my neck, blushing.

The phone on my desk rings making me sigh in annoyance. I'm so comfortable here I don't want to have to move. Spencer reaches over and picks up the phone holding it to my ear. "Jon walker" I answer putting my pen down and wrapping my arms around his waist. "Hello doctor Walker it's janice down at reception. Judy is here to see you shall i send her up" thank god she called to ask. "No that's alright. I'll come down and meet here" I say. "Yes sir I'll let her know" She says before hanging up. I look down at spencer who's already pouting. "you're gonna make me get up aren't you" 

I smile softly and press a quick kiss to his lips. "It wont be long I promise" He gets up and sits on my desk before holding out his hand with his pinky raised. "Pinky promise?" He askes. I laugh and link my pinky around his. "Pinky promise." I can't help but lean down and capture his lips in another kiss. He grips my shirt and returns it. I have to pull away before i become to tempted, so i stand up straight and head to the door. "Make yourself comfortable alright spencer" I tell him. He walks to the cot in the back and lays down on it. "Yes sir" He says saluting me. I chuckle as i walk out of the office. 

The elevator ride to the first floor seems to take forever. I use the refection on the back of the door to make sure that my hair and clothes look alright. I want to make sure there's no trace. It'sweird for judy to come here. She claims to hate seeing people sick. I know that its really because she's afraid they're contagious. The elevator chimes and the doors slide open. I step out and take a look around the brightly lit lobby. Judy is standing outside the glass slding doors. I can tell she's out there smoking. I really wish she wouldn't but i'm pretty sure that all the Urie's are secretly smokers, they just refuse to open their eyes and see how screwed up their family really is. Maybe Judy and I need to do the same thing.

The doors slide apart as I near them, alerting Judy of my prescence. She turns to face me an annoyed look on her face. Her long brown hair is tied back in a tight bun and she wears her designer sunglasses, yoga pants and a bright pink jacket. She takes a long drag from her cigarette before flicking it away. "Hello udy" I say with a smile. She scoffs at me. "Like you don't know what you did" She sneers. I stare at her confused. "What are you talking about?" I ask. "Who the fuck is spencer?" I feel my stomach drop to my feet the second she says his name. "Spencer?" I repeat. She stares at me like I'm an Idiot. "Don't play dumb. Marie told me that you had a guy named spencer that comes around. Now who is he" She demands. I run my hand through my hair and sigh. "spencer is no one" He's everything. "Just the friend of a patient. I wanted to cheer him up while his friend was sick." I lie. "Oh really?" Marie Eyes me suspiciously "yes... Why does it even matter if i have a friend?" 

"Oh please we both know you're gay" She takes out another cigarette and lights it. "You know i'm gay?' I repeat. She nods "Its pretty obvious"

"Then why did you agree to marry me?"

"I wasn't going to raise a baby on my own. Besides I do not want people to know I had sex with a fag. I would have been laughed out of the building." I rub my eyes a headache building in the back of my head. I can't do this. "I'm done Judy. I want a divorce"

"If you divorce me I will make sure you never see Marie again. Carry on with your little affair if you want. But if anyone and I mean anyone finds out I will ruin your life" She turns on her heels and struts away quickly. "Fuck" I murmer as what she said sinks in.


	11. Truth three

[Brendon]

Buzz… Buzz… Buzz… The sound of a phone vibrating against wood pulls me from my sleep. Ryan sleeps on top of me, his head nuzzled into the crook of my neck. His fan turns towards us and his hair blows in the cool breeze tickling me. My body is still burning and his warmth is a little too much but he’s sleeping so peacefully I don’t want to ever wake him up.

The buzzing starts again and I look over to see that it’s my phone ringing. I carefully detach myself from him and get up. When I pick up the phone the screen turns on and shows that I have fifteen missed calls and six text messages all from my mom, crap. I pick my jeans up off the floor and pull them on. I’m going to be in so much trouble, I should have told her I was sleeping at a friend’s. I look around for my shirt but it’s too dark to spot much, so I give up and slip into the hallway. I hit call and hold the phone to my ear, preparing myself for the yelling. The phone picks up after the first ring but instead of my mom’s hysterical voice it’s my dad. His voice low and definitely pissed off. “Get your ass home now Brendon” Is all he says before he hangs up. If that wasn’t creepy I don’t know what is. I should go right now but I really don’t want to. I don’t want Ryan to wake up alone. He still has his panic attacks from time to time and I want to be there for him. I head back into the room and sit on the edge of the bed with a yawn. I’d much rather stay here with Ryan in my arms than go back to that house. I lay back deciding to sleep for a bit longer. The bed dips under my weight and Ryan opens his eyes and moves closer to me.

“Are you leaving?” He asks his voice thick with sleep. I slide my arms around his waist and pull him on top of me “never babe” I say kissing him. He smiles and rubs the sleep from his eyes. “You’re wearing pants”

“I am” He kisses my neck and slides his hand down my chest and stops at the waistband of my jeans. I take a deep breath as a shiver runs through my body. “Can I fix that?” He asks. His voice is deeper and it drives me crazy. “Yes” I breathe out.

[Ryan]

I wake up with a yawn as the smell of bacon wafts through the house. I can’t help but smile happily. Brendon sleeps soundly besides me, his bangs falling in his face and his mouth slightly open. I never get tired of watching him sleep. It still amazes me that someone so beautiful is my boyfriend.

“Ryan! Breakfast!” Spencer’s voice echoes through the house. I feel kind of bad. I didn’t get to finish my talk ith him and he had to sleep on the couch. I want to find out more about his relationship with jon. I slip out of the bed and pull on a pair of pajamas before heading down to the kitchen.

Spencer stands in front of the stove in the clothes he wore the day before, his hair sticking up every which way. I hop over and am about to hug him from behind when I remember our conversation from before. “tell me about your boyfriend!” I yell in his ear. He turns quickly and hits me with the spoon he was holding. “oh my god ryan don’t do that!” He says jabbing my side and making me laugh. “I’m sorry I’m sorry” I hold up my hands in defeat. “Better be” He puts his hands on his hips. I burst out laughing because oh my god does he look like his mom. My laughter makes him scrunch up his face. “What is wrong with you now?” He asks,

“You…. Look like…. Your mom!” I manage to get our through my laughter. His jaw drops and he points the spoon at me. “You take that back right now mister” He demands. It only makes me laugh harder and I have to run away as he tries to grab me. He chases me around the kitchen table yelling that he’s going to make me pay. I try to dodge him but end up tripping on my pant leg and falling to the floor. He ends up landing on top of me and we lay there laughing and trying to catch our breath.

A throat clears and we both look up to see Brendon in the doorway. I grin at him, he looks so handsome when he’s sleepy. “Am I interrupting?” He asks raising an eyebrow. “Spencer’s big butt is smooshing me” I explain. Spencer rolls off me and stands up. “We were just playing” He shrugs and finishes cooking. Brendon nods. I hold my arms out to him. “Brenny bear help. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” I whine. Brendon tries to keep a straight face so I stick out my bottom lip and pout at him. He resists for a minute but gives in. He walks over and takes my hands before putting me to my feet. I smile and wrap my arms around his neck. He gives me a quick kiss and places his hands on my waist. “Food smells good” He says looking over at spencer. “Ryan’s a little piggy so you’ll have to get to it before him. I didn’t know you were still here or I would have made more.”

“I’ve taken him out to dinner enough to know that”

“Its best to just bring him to buffets”

“I’ll have to remember that… But buffets really aren’t that romantic.”

“The Chinese buffet on forth is pretty nice”

“Is it?” I pout and play with the hairs on the nape of brendon’s neck. “I’m right here you guys” I remind them. I’m glad they’re getting along. Brendon chuckles and kisses my head. “How could I forget.”

“Well the food is done so lets eat” Spencer suggests as he takes some plates out of the cabinet. “I’d love to stay but I can’t. I have to get home” Brendon says. I look up at him and frown, “You do?” I ask. He nods. “Yeah I forgot to tell my parents I wasn’t going to be home” He says with a shrugs.

[Spencer]

 

I see the change in Ryan right away. He stiffens up and tightens his grip on Brendon. I’m sure he feels it too. I can tell he regrets saying that. I’m sure another panic attack is coming and I’m not sure he’ll let Brendon leave, but the longer he stays the more trouble he’ll be in. Bren pulls Ryan closer to him and whispers in his ear as he gently rubs Ryan’s back. Ryan relaxes into him and closes his eyes. “I’ll be back as soon as I can” Brendon promises him. Ryan mutters something that makes brendon laugh before he dips his head and kisses Ryan gently.

He makes Ryan happy. He keeps him safe. As much as I want to I can never compete. Brendon has filled Ryan’s heart and I’m lucky that there was any room left for me. “I’m going to walk Brendon to the door” Ryan says looking over at me with a mischievous grin. I roll my eyes and shoo them. “Go canoodle somewhere else” I say making ryan laugh again as he takes Brendon’s hand and pulls him to the front of the house.

I am happy for them. I am happy I have Jon. I probably would have gone insane if he hadn’t shown up to hold me together. As hard as it is for me to accept it I know deep down that Ryan and I were never meant to be together.

[Brendon]

Saying goodbye to Ryan was a lot harder than usual today. I have no idea how my dad is going to react to me disobeying him. Honestly though this is probably what we need. Now I’ll have a chance to reveal that I know about Jackson. Maybe even tell them about Ryan. They can throw me out for all I care. Dallon has already said I could crash at his place whenever I need to. I don’t know what I’d do about money or clothes. Dad will probably take my car and my phone. Or try to at least.

As soon as I pull into the driveway I know I’m in trouble. Judging by the amount of cars in the driveway all of my sisters are here. Judy, Britney, and Rachelle [A/n I don't remember if i gave his sisters names already. If i mentioned them somewhere else let me know] will all be there to witness the fall of the perfect Jackson 2.0. I’m sure for them it’ll be like a repeat of the original. Only I wont be going away for good. Dallon has a good life but he’s missing something. The hole that Jackson left has never faded and its still visible. Ryan has gone through enough. I could never leave him. I shut off my car and take a deep breath. Two days until Christmas. Maybe they’ll let me off with a warning. He at least has to let me get stuff from my room. Ryan’s present is hidden up there. I could probably sneak in to get it if I really have to.

I leave the keys in my car when I get out in case I need to make a quick get away and head up to the front door. I used to think that I didn’t care about this house, that it was just a prison masquerading as a happy families home. But now I’m a little scared. I’ve spent my whole life here. My hands shake as I open the door and step inside.

 

Everything looks the same. I don’t know why I was expecting anything different. I can hear voices from the living room so I decide to sneak upstairs first. Once I’m in my room I close the door quietly and grab my school bag off the floor and dumping the contents on my bed. I grab a few shirts underwear and jeans and stuff them into it. I open my desk drawer and pick up the small black box. I hope he likes it. I put that in my pocket then go down to face my doom.


	12. Christmas special; Jingle bells Pete's feet smell

[Patrick]

“Trick… Trick wake up” A familiar voice fills my dreams and makes me smile, Pete. I haven’t heard from him in days. A calloused hand caresses my cheek and I turn towards it not wanting the feeling to go away. “Come on Tricky wake up”

I open my eyes and blink away the sleep. Pete leans over me a big lopsided smile on his face. “Pete!” I yell throwing my arms around his neck. “Shh you’re gonna get us busted” He whispers but I can feel him smiling against my cheek. “Sorry. What are you doing here?” I ask moving him back so I can try and see him better.

“I wanted to see my adorable little trick for Christmas” He reaches over and turns on the light on my nightstand then puts my glasses on me. He looks rough, He hasn’t shaven in a few days and he could use a shower. But he’s here. I hug him tightly never wanting to let go. He rests his head on my shoulder and wraps his arms around my waist. I close my eyes enjoying the familiar feeling of him resting in my arms. “Merry Christmas Tricky” He whispers his lips brushing against my neck. I can tell he’s starting to drift off. “Merry Christmas Petey… I love you honey. But you really need a shower before we go back to sleep.” I tell him trying to remember where I put the clothes of his that I took with me. “Do I get to shower with you?” I feel my face heat up. It’s been a while since I’ve been with him.

“Well it would be weird if the shower was running and no one was in it.” I say looking off to the side. He just grins at me. I get up and pull him to his feet then look for some towels. He stands there watching me. I missed him so much. With everything going on right now this is the best Christmas present I could have ever gotten. I take his hand and lead him to the bathroom, praying we don’t wake anyone. In the morning I’ll introduce them to Pete as long as our parents haven’t returned.

When we reach the bathroom he pulls me inside and closes the door. I click the lock shut and we’re back in each other’s arms. He kisses me and it’s rough and filled with desire. Our tongues fight for dominance but I let him take control as our clothes fall to the ground and we move into the shower.

[Pete]

 

I sit in the tub with my eyes closed, relaxing as the now cold water continues to fall over us. Patrick sits on my lap his head resting on my shoulder. “I missed you Pete” He whispers quietly. I hold him close and press my lips to his forehead. “I miss you too Trick. We’ll be together soon I promise I’m working hard” I rub his back gently. I could sleep right now. I’m more comfortable than I’ve been in a long time we both became so used to being together. I haven’t been able to sleep well without him by my side.

“Let’s go to bed trick” I brush his bangs from his face. He looks so hot like this I’d rather keep going but we both need sleep. “Not yet” He mumbles. I chuckle a bit. “Why not? You’ve already scrubbed every inch of me. And made me shave” I tease him. He looks up at me with a smile that makes my heart skip. “Not yet” He says sitting up and reaching for the body wash. “Trick” I groan not sure I can handle anymore. “Nope” His smile turns into a grin and he turns around. “Your feet really stink” He laughs. I let out a breath and laugh as he massages my feet with the soap. Man I missed him.


	13. Truth four; Spencer

“Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!” Ryan yells as he leaps from his bed to mine his new Santa hat falling in his eyes. God he’s like a five year old. I grab his arm when he lands on my bed and pull him down next to me. He tries to wiggle free so I wrap my blanket around him and put a pillow over his head. “Shh sleeping time Ry” I mutter. He says something that’s muffled by the pillow. I push him off the bed anyway.

“Rudolf the red nosed reindeer!” He sings.

“Please let him have an off switch” I pull the blanket over my own head in a futile attempt to shut him out. “Spency come oooooonnn” He whines pulling on the blanket.

“Oh my god Ryan I will put you in time out!” I yell as he manages to get the blanket. I look at him and regret it. He’s gone full on puppy eyes and he’s sticking his bottom lip out. I’m pretty sure he’ll start crying if I don’t oblige him. “Ryan the presents aren’t going to disappear if we sleep for a few more…” I look at the clock “Hours”

“But spencer… It’s my first real Christmas” He whimpers. “Ugh not the guilt trip” He claps his hands and pulls me out of bed. “Let’s go!” He pulls me down to the living room singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs. I’m surprised he hasn’t woken my parents yet.

Downstairs he tries to run for the presents but I manage to steer him to the kitchen. Since we’re up first we have to make a big Christmas breakfast. That and I don’t want him to see the guitar my mom and dad got him yet. He’s wanted his own for as long as I’ve known him. We even got it signed by his favorite artist. He’s really going to flip out. We start to make breakfast deciding on eggs and pancakes shaped like candy canes with red coloring for stripes. Ryan manages to get pancake mix all over him.

Around eight thirty my phone rings and I smile to myself at the familiar ringtone. Jon is with his daughter and Ex-wife today. But he promised to come see me tonight. Ryan gives me a knowing look and shoos me from the kitchen. I’ll probably regret it later but I walk out as I answer. “Merry Christmas” I say cheerfully. Jon chuckles still sounding half asleep. “Merry Christmas” He murmurs. The idea of him thinking of me as soon as he wakes up makes me so happy. I lie on the couch and hug a pillow with my free arm. “Still sleeping?” I ask. “Kinda… Gotta get things ready for Marie” He yawns “Thank god she sleeps in.”

“You’re lucky. Ryan woke me up two hours ago. My parents aren’t even up yet and he’s trying to get at the presents.”

“How are you two doing?”

“Good… I think telling him helped” I admit.

“Told you it would”

“Yeah yeah I get it mister know-it-all” I tease him. He just laughs. “I do know it all”

“Do you know what I got for Christmas?”

“It just so happens that I do. And I know which is going to be your favorite” Now I’m curious.

“What is it?”

“I’m not telling”

“Jonny” I whine taking a page from Ryan’s book. “Nope not gonna work Spence” He says.

“Meanie”

“I’m not being mean. It’ll ruin the surprise if I tell you now”

“But it’s going to kill me if I don’t know”

“Somehow I think you’ll be fine”

“Well when do I get to see you?”

“After dinner probably. Think you can get out around ten?”

“I think I can manage. Brendon is picking Ryan up at eight.” Brendon is living with Dallon now. He was here for a long time yesterday after his parents kicked him out. He didn’t seem extremely upset but it was clear he was hurt. He held onto Ryan until almost midnight then went to let Dallon know he had a new roommate. I think Ryan is focusing on Christmas so he doesn’t freak out over the whole thing.

“I’ll see you at ten then” I can hear the smile in his voice.

 

“See you at ten” I say. We say our goodbyes and hang up. “I love you” I say as soon as the line goes dead. I wish I had said it before he hung up. Because I’m sure now that that’s what it is. I’ve fallen in love with Jon Walker


	14. Truth five; Jon

Seven hours with the Urie's is enough to make anyone want to shoot their brains out. Especially when all they do is bash Brendon. After all the years he spent trying to be the son they wanted they can't accept the person he really is. Once all the present giving and catching up had passed I was able to take Marie outside to play for a while, there's way to much negativity here for a kid her age. 

Thankfully my parents are picking her up soon and she'll be able to have some peace for the rest of her vacation. I also wont have to see udy for a while. She's going to a ski resort for a month courtesy of her parents who have decided to spend a lot of money on the children they haven't written off, yet.

When eight o'clock rolls around Marie come to me and climbs onto my lap rubbing her eyes and yawning. "Daddy i'm sleepy" She mumbles as she dozes. "Alright baby girl" I kiss her forehead and stand up holding her in my arms. By the time I reach Judy she's sound asleep. "My parents will be arriving soon" I tell her "I'm going to head home so they don't have to wait. Do you know what time you'll be home"

"I wont. I'm leaving from here in the morning" She turns away from me to continue chatting with her sister. I really don't understand her. Why does she refuse to let me go. If she ever felt anything for me its obviously gone. I carry Marie out to the car and buckle her into her car seat. The drive home is peaceful and i only see one or two other cars on the road. Most people are probably home with their families enjoying each others company. I have Marie, she's all I need. One day maybe the three of us can all be happy together. Wait three? I think of Spencer and can't help but smile to myself.

I would like that one day. Having a life with Marie and Spencer.it would be so nice to sleep next to someone i love and to wake up with him in my arms. We could go on family trips and be genuinly happy. 

Passing Marie off to my parents is easy enough. She sleeps soundly even as i move her and her carseat to their car. My mom gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and tells me to follow my heart. My dad pats my back and wishes me a happy new year and then they are gone. I can't help but wonder if my mom knows more than she lets on.

I've got two hours now to prepare for spencer. A coworker of mine is away fro the holidays and told me i could use their apartment if need be. I hate sneaking around this way and I hate lying to spencer. I do love him. This is the happiest i've been in years. I don't want to keep doing this to him. Before Judy gets back i am getting a lawyer. I need to divorce her.

I pull into the driveway at spencer's house a few minutes before ten and text him that i'm there. Not even a minute later he comes out the front door and jumps into the car. Before I even have a chance to say anything he leans across the armrest and kisses me his hand resting on my leg. I cup his face and return the kiss, loving how perfect his lips feel against mine. I break the kiss when I feel his hand move up and he smiles at me innocently. "Merry christmas" I say running my hand through his hair. He closes his eyes and smiles. "Merry christmas. You shaved" He reaches up and rubs my cheek. "You said that my stubble bothered you" I remind him.

"It did it was all scratchy" He pouts. I laugh and connect out lips again. The now familiar sense of longing shoots through my body. I want him to be mine. I want to spend everyday with him, showing him how much he means to me.

"My parents are totally watching right now" He says into the kiss. I move back feeling my face warm. "You could have said something sooner" I scold him. He smiles and me and sits back buckling his seatbelt. "well they had to find out I was gay at some point. This way it saws me the awkward coming out speach."

"yes and onto the more awkward this is my twenty four year old boyfriend" He just laughs. I turn the car back on and back out of the driveway feeling way more selfconcious than I should.

"It's not that bad. I'm seventeen so its only..." He counts on his fingers "six years?"

"Seven"

"Okay seven years. Thats not that bad. My dad is ten years older than my mom."

"But I'm sure she wasnt seventeen when they started dating"

"No she was in college and he was her professor"

"See not seventeen"

"well it still shouldn't matter"

"Your parents will probably think differently"

"Jon" He pouts. I hold his hand in mine and give it a squeeze. I want to be with him but I also want him to understand why people would frown on it. He rests his head on my shoulder and we spend the rest of the drive into the city in a comfortable silence.

***

Spencer waits in the doorway as I walk into the apartment and fumble around for the lights. I manage to get the kitchen light and the christmas tree lights turned on.

"Is this your apartment?" He asks. I shake my head and place my acket on the bakc of a chair. "I'm still living in a hotel. My coworker is away for the holidays and told me i could use it." Spencer chuckles and makes his way over to me. "Think he knew you'd bring your boyfriend here?"

"It wouldn't surprise me if he suspected it" I admit. I never could figure ou how but i'm pretty sure Andy has known my secret for a while now. He has this way of figuring out things. Not even his boyfriend Joe can understand. He says he can just see things clearly. Joe says he's psychic. I'd believe him if i believed in those things.

Spencer sets his jacket on top of mine then looks up at me. "So... why did you bring me here?"

"So I could spend christmas night with my boyfriend" I put my hands on his hips and pull him close to me kissing his cheek. He grips my shirt and lays his head on my shoulder. It feels so right saying that. So right holding him in my arms and calling him mine. I don't want to let judy keep me from being happy. Not anymore.

Spencer slides his hands down my arms and takes a hold of my hands. He goes to say something and freezes suddenly. "Spencer?" I rub his back with my free hand. He looks up with me with a confused expression then lifts my hand. My wedding band catches the light from the tree. We both stare at it for a moment then he drops my hand and takes a step away from me. I can see the hurt in his eyes.

"Spencer" I say his name calmly but my brain is racing trying to think of some way to explain this. "you're still married" He says. I can hear the sadness and the confusion in his voice. "Spencer wait. let me explain okay"

"Are you going to say you're not married"

"no but-"

"Why did you lie?"

"I didn't mean to"

"But you did!" His eyes well up with tears and he heads for the door. I can't let him leave like this. He'll have no way to get home. I follow him and place my hand on his shoulder. He whirls around and smacks my hand away. "Don't touch me!" I can't lose him. I don't want to let him go. I pull him to me and kiss him deeply.

He resists for a second his whole body tense and i'm afraid he's going to push me away or hit me. But what he does instead breaks my heart and makes me hate myself. He collapses against me and i find myself holding him up as he sobs into my chest. I think of the day i first met him. How it started with him crying on my shoulder. I don't want it to end the same way. I hate that this time its me breaking his heart. I lift him into my arms and move to the couch. He doesn't resist. just confinutes to cry, my shirt gripped tightly in his fists.

I sit on the couch and cradle him in my arms trying to kiss the tears from his face. "Shh spencer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry' I whisper in his ear.

"I thought you loved me..." He says the words so softly i almost miss them. I lift his chin and make him look me in the eyes. "I love you spencer" I wipes the tears away and kiss him softly. "I love you so much" I say with my lips against his. He moves back and looks at me. "Then why?" I can't keep these things to myself anymore. He lays in my arms and listens silently as everything i've kept inside spills out. I tell him everything i've always been to afraid to admit.

Somehow we've switched rolls. Now i'm the one crying on his shoulder. He runs his fingers through my hair as his other hand rubs my back soothingly. I don't understand why he's still here. Why he hasn't left me alone like he should. I move back and look into his eyes trying to understand. Spencer smiles at me but it doesn't reach his eyes. 

"I can't hate you... I love you to much" He says. "But... I can't be with you while you're still married."

"Spencer..." he strokes my cheek.

"I can wait" He says before kissing me softly.

"You shouldn't... You can still meet someone who deserves you."

"I don't want anyone but you" He's willing to wait for me. I hold him to me and kiss his forehead. "Say with me tonight" I beg him. The thought of spending the night in an empty house doesn't appeal to me anymore. "Okay i'll stay" He says after thinking about it. He lays his head on mine and wraps his arms around me. "I'm to tired to move anyway." I smile. I would do anything to keep this boy happy. 

"Do you want your christmas present still?" I ask him. "Obviously" He looks at me and smiles. I want to keep that smile there. I move from the couch and go to my jacket. from the pocket i produce a long thin box then return to the couch. I hold it out as i sit next to him. "merry christmas spencer." I say. He takes the box and opens it revealing a necklace with two interlocking rings at the end. Both are silver, one has stones on it with 's+j' engraved on it, the other has a line of gold that runs through the middle. Spencer looks at it then at me a large smile on his face. "I love it" He says quietly. I kiss his forehead then take the necklace and put it around his neck letting my fingers linger. 

"I have one too" I take mine out of my pocket. Its similar to his except instead of gold it has a line of black. He takes it and puts it around my neck then lays his head on his shoulder. "Please don't make me wait to long" He says quietly. I lay back holding him in my arms. "I wont"


	15. Truth six; Spencer

"Sooooo" my mom says suddenly. I look up from my cereal bowl to see both my parents looking at me expectantly.

"So what?" I ask. I know what. They want to know about me and Jon. I managed to avoid the questions for most of the holiday break but now it's time to go back to school and I can't avoid them anymore.

"The boy that picked you up on Christmas"

"We’re just friends" I look at my cereal as I eat some more.

"You looked like a little more than friends" I look at my cereal as I eat more.

"You looked like a little more than friends" my dad says.

"We’re just friends... right now" god I really don't want to talk about this.

"Well when do we get to meet this friend?" mom asks. I pretend to consider it for a moment. "The Thursday after never” I shovel the last of the cereal to my mouth and put my bowl in the sink. I ignore what they're saying and kiss my mom's cheek before grabbing my bag and running out to the bus stop.

Ryan's not much better with crowds yet. My mom is taking some time off work to home school him so I'm on my own at school for now. It's not so bad. Brendon sits with me at lunch when he shows up now. He broke up with his girlfriend and admitted he was gay to everyone. I think he's really upset about his parents kicking him out. He's definitely withdrawn since it happened. Of course he also lost his car and has to find a job. He's upset that he isn't able to spoil Ryan anymore. Of course with a gold engagement ring on his finger I think he's been spoiled enough for the time being.

I reach up and touch the necklace that hangs around my neck. The chain is cold against my skin. I haven't taken it off since Jon put it on me. I really really miss him. He texts me twice a day still. Once when he wakes up and again before he goes to bed. I haven't answered him. I'm afraid I would ask to see him. I don't have a lot of self-control.

I take a seat on the bench and pull the necklace out of my shirt running my ringer over the rings. I wonder what he meant by giving this to me. It wasn't a proposal; the rings aren't really made to fit on a finger. Maybe a promise? He does have a matching one.

He was so upset when he told me everything. In the end we fell asleep on the couch holding each other close. I was upset with him but I couldn't leave him like that. Everything he's dealt with fresh on his mind. I can't resist anymore. I take my phone out and read his usual good morning text. My finger hovers over the call button. If I talk to him I'll want to see him. Can I resist him? I know the answer is no but I hit call anyway and hold the phone to my ear in anticipation.

"Morning spencer" he answers right away. I can hear the smile in his voice. It's been almost three weeks. How did I go so long without him? "Hi" I say. I know my voice sounds weak. I miss him. His voice, his touch, his warmth. I want it all back. I can feel my eyes start to water. “What’s wrong spencer?” He asks with concern in his voice. I don’t want to be away from him anymore. I know it’s wrong but he’s trying to get divorced already… “Come pick me up” The words slip out before I even really know I’m saying them. I hear shuffling on his end of the line. “Where are you?”

 

“I’m at the end of my street at the bus stop”

“Don’t you have school?”

“I want to see you”

“You’re such a troublemaker” He chuckles. I can’t help but smile, a car door closes in the background. I’m going to see him again. The thought warms my whole body and I grip the necklace tightly.

“You still there?” he asks.

“Yes”

“You got quiet”

“I’m nervous”

“You don’t have to be”

“But… I don’t know if I can…”

“I don’t have to come if you’re unsure.”

“No! I want you to come” I close my eyes and try to think of how to say this. “I don’t know if I can control myself and… You’re still married”

“Let’s talk in person” I look around and see his car coming towards me. I smile and stand up. He parks on the side of the road and gets out. I can’t resist, I run to him and wrap my arms around his waist pressing my face into his shirt. He hugs me tight and everything feels right again. He smells like soap and disinfectant and something else I can’t name but it’s hi and he’s warm and makes everything feel better.

“I missed you” He whispers his lips brushing against my ear as he speaks sending a shiver through my body. I don’t want to stay away from him anymore. I turn my head my lips finding his. It feels so normal and familiar now. It feels like I belong here in his arms.

He moves me against his car, his hands on my hips and his body pressed against mine. He bites at my bottom lip and I part them letting him inside. My knees feel weak and my whole body is on fire. I hold onto his lab coat tightly as his hands slip under my shirt and rub the sensitive skin above my waistline. Even if this is wrong I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Spencer?” Oh god that’s my mom. I push Jon away from me. “M…Mom” I say looking at her. I forgot she likes to go jogging in the morning. I watch as she looks Jon over, taking in his beard and his lab coat. This isn’t going to end well.

“Spencer what is going on?” She demands. I know better than to annoy her when she uses that voice.

“Um… this… this is Jon”

“And Jon is?”

“My friend…” Jon stands beside me awkwardly, unsure how to react or where to look.

“And Jon is how old?” She crosses her arms.

“I’m twenty four” He answers.

“Do you realize that Spencer is seventeen?”

“Yes I do”

“And you think its okay to just make out with a seventeen year old boy in the middle of the road when he should be on his way to school?” He voice gets higher as she speaks and I can see Jon getting nervous.

“Mom wait I asked him to meet me here”

“Spencer, be quiet” She snaps. I look down at the ground. I’m going to be in so much trouble. I want to be with Jon but he was right. They won’t accept our relationship. She’s going to keep us apart.

“Go home now Spencer” She points back towards the house. I look from her to Jon. He nods at me to go but… I don’t want to. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I go to him quickly and wrap my arms around his neck. I kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear. “Please call me later.”

“I will. Go home I don’t want you to get in trouble”

“I love you” He smiles a bit.

“I love you too. Now go home” He moves me back and I let him. He still loves me.

“Spencer” My mom’s voice is stern. With a sigh I start walking home, slipping my phone into my backpack when she isn’t looking. I don’t want her taking it away.

“Stay away from my son” She orders Jon before following after me. I hear his car door close and the engine start. My eyes start to water again but I don’t let the tears fall. We won’t be apart for long.

When I walk into the house I see Ryan sitting on the couch watching cartoons. I walk over and plop down next to him crossing my arms. He looks at me and tilts his head. “What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Mom caught me with Jon”

“I thought you were waiting till he got divorced”

“I gave in… I wanted to see him so badly”

“Oh man… Did your mom flip?”

“Completely” As I finish saying that she comes into the living room and puts her hands on her hips. “Spencer James smith”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Ryan did you know about his boyfriend?” Ryan nods. At least he’s not making me deal with this alone.

“And neither of you thought it was weird that he’s an adult?”

“He’s only seven years older than me. Dad is ten years older than you.”

“I wasn’t a kid when we met”

“I’m not a kid now!”

“You are spencer. I don’t want you seeing him again.”

“I love him”

“Spencer! Go to school now”

“I missed the bus”

“Then take the minivan. You go straight to school then come straight back. I swear if I find out you were even a minute late for any of your classes you will never leave this house again.”

 

I get up and grab the keys from their hook then head out to the car. It’s not fair. Why is it so hard for her to understand? I get in the car and take a deep breath. I don’t want to go another day without seeing Jon let alone a few months. I toss my backpack onto the passenger seat and start to drive. I could go see him now. But that would really piss her off. My phone starts to ring, playing Jon’s ringtone. Thank god she forgot to take my phone from me. I reach for my bag and dig around for the phone praying I don’t miss his call.

I swear… I only looked away for a second….


	16. Truth seve; Jon

I sit at my desk watching the hands on the clock move extremely slowly. I wonder now how people do it. How they can sit in the waiting rooms for hours without going insane. Time drags on so slowly. It seems to take forever but the minute hand finally reaches the six. Nine thirty, Visitor hours ended thirty minutes ago and the nurses won’t be making their rounds for another hour. I stand up and walk quickly to the room. The lights are off and the door is slightly ajar. I make sure no one is looking before slipping inside letting the door click shut behind me.

 

He’s asleep. The only sounds in the room are his breathing and the steady beeps of the heart monitor. This is my fault. I go to his bed and place my hand on his cheek gently. If I had stayed away from him this wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t called him he wouldn’t have gone off the road. I take his necklace from my pocket and place it around his neck. I should just disappear from his life.

“I applied for divorce this morning… I told everyone the truth so Judy has no reason to deny it… Everyone knows why I want it… I’m trying to get custody or Marie too… She keeps asking when she gets to play with you again… I love Spencer. I love you so much” I kiss him gently and keep my forehead against his. Three days. Three days since I last talked to him… Three days since his accident. I’m bad for him. I kiss him once more. “wake up soon” I whisper in his ear. He stirs a bit and for a moment I’m sure he’s going to wake up. But he settles back down still asleep.

I let out a sigh and leave the room. I don’t want to be caught in there. I’m not his doctor and his mother might find out… She blames me for this. I’ve spoken to his doctor. She isn’t sure why he hasn’t woken up yet. She isn’t sure he will wake up. If he doesn’t wake up by the end of the week they’re thinking about moving him to the coma ward.

Its strange now that I think about it. I used to go to the coma ward all the time to talk to him. But since I met spencer I haven’t gone as often. I wonder if he’s gotten lonely. I get on the elevator and head to the floor. The hallway is long and silent. The nurse on duty sleeps behind the desk. I walk down the hall heading for the door at the very end. Private rooms are expensive and for families without a lot of money they can be a burden. Unless you are trying to hide something. The sign outside the door reads J.Weekes no one would really think anything of it.

I walk inside and turn the light on. There’s a cot pushed against the wall. Dallon sleeps here a lot and since the nurses think he’s cute they let him get away with it. Now that Brendon is living with him he’s found it hard to find time to visit.

Jackson sleeps soundly as always. Not even a twitch of his eyes. His skin is pale and his hair shaggy. We’ve told Dallon that a nurse could have it cut but he always just says he wants to let Jackson decide. I take a seat besides the bed and run my hand through my hair.

“Dallon wants you to know that he’s sorry he hasn’t come to see you… You have a little brother named Brendon. I’m sure Dallon or I have mentioned him before. He came out to your parents and they kicked him out. He’s living with Dallon now. He doesn’t know you’re here yet. Your parents tried to make him a better version of you but it didn’t really work. He even proposed to his boyfriend on christmas…” I sit in silence for a while listening to the sound of the machines keeping him alive. The day I met spencer was the last time I really talked to Dallon. All I did was complain about my life and how miserable I was. I’m sure he could use some good news.

“I met a guy… He’s younger than me… Just seventeen. But he makes me so happy. I love him so much Jackson. I’ve filed for divorce already. Spencer found out I was married and I was so afraid I was going to lose him.” I close my eyes thinking of spencer’s big smile and the way his eyes light up when he sees me. “He still wanted to be with me.” I hold my head in my hands and try to stay calm. “He’s in the hospital now… It’s my fault. He wont wake up… I need to know he’s okay… I’ll get out of his life so I don’t cause him anymore pair but… I can’t leave him while he’s asleep.”

“Don’t leave me…” The sound of a voice startles me and I look up to see spencer standing in the doorway. “Don’t leave me Jon please” His eyes well up with tears. “Spencer” I get up quickly and go to him, wrapping him in my arms. He’s awake. He holds onto my shirt tightly. “You can’t leave me Jon… I need you”

“you got hurt because of me… I was so afraid I would lose you forever”

“It’s not your fault” I hold him close to me and press kisses into his hair. “Don’t leave” He says again.

“I wont… I wont leave you I promise”

“Good” He wraps his arms around my waist and holds me tight. “I feel like I slept for a really long time.”

“you did… you were sleeping for a couple days”

“Oh… Then why am I so tired” He lays his head on my chest and closes his eyes. “Hey no more sleeping” I say rubbing his back gently. “Since I’m more awake now… can I have another kiss” He asks looking up at me. I smile and kiss him gently. “when did you wake up?”

“You were talking to me… I felt you kiss me but when I woke up all the way you were walking out… It took a second to get all that stuff off but I was able to follow you”

“You should have said something sooner” They’re probably freaking out that he’s gone.

“I didn’t want to interrupt… but… you said you were going to leave me.” He’s leaning on me for support now. He shouldn’t have gotten up so soon. I lift him into my arms and kiss his cheek. “I won’t leave you”

“Ever?”

“Ever” I start walking back and he rests his head on my shoulder drifting. “Who was that guy?”

“An old friend”

“You called him Jackson. Is he Brendon’s brother?”

“yeah. He’s been asleep for a long time”

“since before brendon was born right”

“Yeah. He was my math tutor when I was a kid. He was like a big brother to me and I could tell him anything.”

“Is Dallon waiting for him?”

“Yeah Dallon will always wait for him.”

“Will you wait for me?”

“until the end of time”

“You don’t have to wait that long”

“I would if it meant I could be with you”

“I love you Jon”

“I love you too Spencer”


	17. Epilogue; Truth be told

Spencer and Ryan sit on the porch swing chatting as they wait for the time to go by. Spencer’s parents went out of town so the boys could celebrate their eighteenth birthdays. They had to promise no alcohol of course. But they never said anything about no boys. Spencer rocks the swing back and forth quickly tapping his fingers on the arm rest. He can’t remember the last time he was this nervous and excited. It’s been six months since he last saw Jon. They’ve continued to email each other though.

Jon’s divorce was finalized and he’d moved into a smaller house with Marie. Judy gets her every other weekend still but Jon has full custody. Spencer is sort of glad that his birthday falls on a weekend when Judy has her. Now he can spend the whole weekend alone with Jon, after their party of course. Jon’s silver car pulls into the driveway and before he’s even gotten all the way out spencer is jumping into his arms. Jon catches him and holds him close kissing him deeply.

Brendon comes outside then and sits next to Ryan. “They sure look happy” He says. Ryan leans against him and nuzzles his neck. “Of course they are. Can you imagine going half a year without seeing me?”

“I’d go insane after the first week” Brendon lifts his fiance’s chin and kisses his nose. Just a few more weeks and they’ll be getting married. The idea makes Ryan’s stomach flutter and causes him to grin like an idiot as they cuddle. They invited Patrick and Pete to the party as wee but Patrick said he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to get ahold of Pete, He hasn’t seen him since new years, but they’d do their best to be there and they definitely wouldn’t miss the wedding.

“Get a room or something!” Ryan yells at spencer and Jon who are still kissing. Spencer looks over his shoulder and sticks his tongue out at him. Ryan stands up grabbing the hose but Brendon pulls him onto his lap before he has the chance to use it and he’s definitely okay with that.

“we’re supposed to be setting up for a party” Dallon reminds them as he steps outside.

“But that’s so much work” Brendon whines.

“Get your lazy butt up and start filling balloons” Dallon flicks his head and holds the door open. Ryan laughs “yeah you bum go decorate” He teases Brendon. “You two Ryan” Dallon says. Ryan’s jaw drops and he stares at the man. “But its my birthday”

“Technically your birthday was four days ago.”

“but its my birthday party”

“You’re the one that wanted a big party”

“Well if I have to help them so does spencer”

“Leave those two alone.”

“If we did that they’d probably end up doing it in the car” Brendon rolls his eyes.

“at least there would be two of them” Ryan grins. Brendon’s face turns beet red and he looks away. “It was one time” He mutters. Ryan just laughs.

“I don’t even want to know” Dallon says with a shake of his head “whoever doesn’t help decorate doesn’t get cake.” And with that he turns on his heels and goes inside. Ryan and Brendon soon run in after him.

Jon moves back and looks at the grinning young man that stands in front of him. It was torture being away from him for so long. There were times he wasn’t sure if he could make it to this day without seeing him.

But it was worth the wait. “Happy birthday spencer” He says cupping spencer’s cheek. Spencer leans his head into his hand and closes his eyes. “I missed you Jon” He says holding onto the older man. “I missed you too” Jon burhses his lips against spencer’s and smiles at the familiar spark he feels every time they touch.

“Never leave me again” Spencer whispers. Jon smiles and holds him close. “never in a million years”

“I love you Jon”

“I love you more.”

“no way. Trust me I love you a gazillion times more than anything in this whole wide world.” Jon chuckles and nuzzles his face against spencer’s neck. Enjoying the feel of having him in his arms once more.


End file.
